Mike Bullard interview

Mike Bullard – February 12, 2008

"You don't want to sit on [the internet] all day because there are some people on there who you've never met and you're surprised at how much they hate your guts." – Mike Bullard

Guy MacPherson: I'm a big fan of yours. Or was, when I could see you every night.
Mike Bullard: Thanks, man. Thanks a lot. It's nice to hear from a British Columbian.

GM: You don't often?
MB: No, I do. BC's always been good to me.

GM: What have you been up to?
MB: I've been doing a lot of corporate stuff. I was at XM but as you know they're broke.

GM: How was that experience? I don't have satellite radio so I couldn't hear it.
MB: I love radio.

GM: Yeah?
MB: Yeah, I really love radio. That's where I think I want to wind up.

GM: Was that your first experience with it?
MB: Yeah. I've always loved guesting on shows.

GM: What do you love about it?
MB: The immediacy of it. There's none of this, "Hey, let's write this, let's go over it 25 times, and put it on the show tomorrow." It's right there and now.

GM: You were on every day for, what, three hours?
MB: Yeah, every day for three hours.

GM: That's a lot. But I guess it's right up your alley because you're a spur of the moment guy.
MB: Yeah, a lot of spontaneity. And I was with Lawrence Morgenstern and Judy Croon, and they're both great.

GM: You've been with Lawrence for a long time, haven't you?
MB: Lawrence was a writer on the [TV] show, yeah. I've known Lawrence for 25 years. You must know him, too, right?

GM: Not personally, but I certainly am familiar with his work.
MB: He loves it, too, so we're going to get back into it somehow, some way.

GM: On satellite radio, there are no language restrictions, are there?
MB: If you're a caller, you didn't get cut off. (laughs) The only effect it had on me was if you were a caller you could swear all you want and you didn't get bleeped.

GM: So you could take the show to a commercial station.
MB: Terrestrial, yeah. That's what I want to do.

GM: Was it a shock when your TV show was cancelled?
MB: Uh... no, I felt it coming. I wasn't exactly impressed by the fact I was on for six weeks, but...

GM: Yeah, you had just signed with Global.
MB: Yeah. I can't get into that. You know what? I was disappointed, let's put it that way. I still have 50 people a day walking up to me, which is gratifying as hell but I wish we were still doing it, you know?

GM: Was it that you left CTV or were they going with The Daily Show?
MB: I left. No matter what you hear, I left.

GM: I didn't hear anything, that's why I'm asking.
MB: Okay. Well, I heard otherwise. No, my contract was up and I thought, "You know what? I'm going to try some place else and see what happens." But I could have gone back, I think. Well, I know I could have gone back. Do I wish I had? Many times. But you know what? I don't look back, right? I try to look forward. And then about a year ago I started doing clubs and theatres and stuff again and I'm having a really good time doing it.

GM: The special you did, which I think was before your TV show...
MB: Oh yeah, that was way back. That was in '96.

GM: That's one of the best Comics! specials they've ever done. It was great.
MB: Really?

GM: Yeah.
MB: Thanks, man. That was at the Opera House in Toronto.

GM: I have it on video.
MB: Do you really?!

GM: Sure.
MB: Wow. Well, that's still what I'm doing. That stuff is all spontaneity and dealing with the audience. And that's what I'm still doing. I guess it's weird. There's not many people that do it. I was out in Edmonton and Calgary a couple of weeks ago and Jesus, the internet buzz was unbelievable. Well, you know what? When I started doing the show, and even when I left the show, the internet was kind of in its infancy that way, right? It's kind of weird now, the immediacy of feedback. Then again, you don't want to sit on that thing all day, either because (laughs) there are some people on there who you've never met and you're surprised at how much they hate your guts.

GM: Exactly! Everybody's a hater on the internet.
MB: I don't know why that is. But it doesn't matter who you are, either. I saw something negative about Dennis Leary a couple of weeks ago and I went, "Jesus, what's your bone to pick with that guy? Rescue Me's a great show, he's a great standup." You just never know with people.

GM: Everyone's got an opinion and they want to share it with the world.
MB: Yeah, exactly! (laughs) And sadly they can.

GM: You had a lot of diehard fans and a lot of detractors.
MB: Everybody has that, though, you know? You know who else has that? Letterman. Leno has it, Letterman has it.

GM: Did it ever get to you? Or do you just accept it as part of the business?
MB: You accept it. The detractors, you never get to meet them. (laughs) If you know what I mean. You never meet them in the flesh. The diehards, you do meet in the flesh. So you just go with the ones you meet in the flesh. You can't believe anything good or bad you read about yourself, you know what I mean? That's the old story, but it's true. The best thing you can do is try to get yourself a nondescript car and never give anybody the finger no matter what they do to you on the road. Because if they know who you are, it'll be on the internet in five minutes.

"It kind of makes me sad because there's never room for one [talk show] in Canada yet there's room for four in the U.S." – Mike Bullard

GM: Are you surprised that Canada doesn't have a late-night talk show anymore?
MB: We've got George Strombolopoulis.

GM: Does that count?
MB: It's not comedic, that's for sure. It's not done the traditional way, the way I did it, that's true. I like George, though. He's a good guy. But no, it's not surprising because there are costs involved. And I never got any government money. I see all this stuff going on with Jim Shaw wanting to pull out of the Canadian television fund. I never got any of the CTF money or any tax credit anyway. And I look at it and I go it costs a lot of money to put those shows on. And you're competing against American juggernauts that are cash cows. That's the trouble. The first thing I ever said when we did the show is they better figure out a way to make this thing revenue enhancing.

GM: And did they?
MB: No, because after 11, there's not a lot of ad revenue in Canada, right? It's not like the U.S. where after 11 there's still a ton of ad revenue. Some people use the 10 times rule when they're talking about the U.S. versus Canada. But a friend of mine said, when it comes to consumers and viewership, it's more like 25 times. Americans are huge consumers. Way more than we are. I don't know. It's just a weird thing the way they do it. They're just different consumers than we are. And the bottom line is it kind of makes me sad because there's never room for one in Canada yet there's room for four in the U.S.

GM: When I stumbled across your show back when you were in the Wayne Gretzky restaurant...
MB: If I had one wish it would be that we stayed there. I wish we'd stayed there forever. I liked it. The place seated 100 people. It was small and didn't pretend to be something it wasn't. And that's the way I wanted to keep it.

GM: And you didn't pretend to be something you weren't, either, which I really liked.
MB: No. I'm glad to hear you say that because that's really important to me. To me it's about being a regular guy and making a connection with people and trying to live your life like a regular guy.

GM: And also as a fellow non-hockey fan, I appreciate the fact that you admitted that publicly.
MB: (laughs) You never saw me getting bent out of shape over the Detroit-Toronto rivalry, that's for sure.

GM: Hockey fans are amazing. They'll hold that against you, won't they?
MB: You know what? I had to read Hockey For Dummies. Somebody went and got it and gave it to me and said, "Listen, you better read this because you're getting letters that should be reserved for child molesters because of the fact that you don't know anything about hockey."

GM: Yeah. How Canadian can you be?!
MB: Yeah, people would get incensed about it. We had hockey players on and they would look at me like I was from Mars. I'll never forget the time Tai Domi was on. I asked him what position he played. That was probably my Larry King moment, when you ask questions you shouldn't ask, not necessarily questions that no one else asks. That's when I went downstairs and somebody on staff had gotten me that book and it was sitting on the table.

GM: Do you have those regrets where you go, "Oh, geez, I shouldn't have asked that."
MB: No. I have moments I'm glad I had, like when Julian Lennon was on I asked him who his favourite Beatle was. The best moment for me was when we had Ricky Martin on. That was my favourite moment of all time. They said under no circumstances am I to ask him any questions about his sexual preference. I guess he'd had a couple of tense moments with other people. So he sits down and we do the interview (chuckles) and it's going really well and we're almost at the end. And his manager's standing at the producer's table. And I go, "Listen, Ricky, I don't want to pry, but I gotta tell you I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't ask you this question." And you could just see the colour go right out of his face. And I could hear his manager at the producer's table going, "What the fuck is this?" I said, "But if I don't ask you this question I really won't be able to look in the mirror tomorrow morning." And he stutters and stammers and goes, "W-w-what is it?" And I go, "Are you Spanish or Puerto Rican?" You could just see the colour come back into his face right there. It was incredible.

GM: (laughs) You were making him sweat. Did he say anything after?
MB: He shook my hand and the manager came over and wagged his finger at me. Then they walked out. That was it. Believe it or not I didn't join these people for smart cocktails after. The bigger the star, the quicker I knew they were going to get the hell out of there.

GM: But they enjoyed coming on, didn't they?
MB: Michael Moore came on. But the turn-the-corner moments for me were when Dennis Leary came on and when the prime minister was on. That, to me, was probably the biggest night we ever had.

GM: Cretien.
MB: He was actually sitting in office and he came on. And that was probably one of my favourites, too.

GM: One of my favourites was Lawrence Morgenstern as Santa Claus with Scott Thompson.
MB: I used to love that when he'd come on as the Yiddish Santa. I loved that every Christmas when he did that. He really loved doing that stuff. That was my favourite time when he'd come out and do that because he'd go into that and he just wouldn't come out of it. And when the kids were phoning in, that to me was the most fun. I loved stuff like that.

GM: There should be a DVD of highlights of your show.
MB: Why don't you say that in the article? People walk up to me and ask me that all the time: "How come you haven't done a Best Of DVD?"

GM: What were the years you were at CTV?
MB: 1997 and I was finished in 2004.

GM: Especially now, every show ever has a DVD.
MB: I know, I know.

GM: It would have been good.
MB: Hey, man, if you want to print that and tell people to write letters, go ahead! (laughs)

GM: You had some heat from the States at one time, didn't you?
MB: Yup.

GM: What happened there?
MB: Merv Griffin's company. I don't know. Nothing ever came of it. I don't know what it was. It never got past the point of... Actually, I'm not the one who even got to talk to them. You'd have to ask other people.

GM: You and Pat are probably the only brothers who have hosted talk shows.
MB: Yup, I think so. Actually, I do believe that. You're probably right. He's got a show coming on ABC March 2nd.

GM: What kind of show?
MB: It's Nest Egg. I can't really give you what it's all about but it's pretty funny. It's about married couples. Sort of like a remake of Johnny Carson's show Who Do You Trust?

GM: So a game show.
MB: Yeah, it's a game but from what he told me about it, it sounds pretty funny. Like how much you trust your wife, how much you trust your husband. And it's not just monogamy; it's about a million and one other things. Like, they blindfolded a guy and put him in a car and he had to trust his wife to tell him where to turn and what to do and all that jazz. And I think the prize at stake was like ten grand for that one thing. I think that's on the first one. He says it's pretty funny what these guys did. It was him and Greg Fitzsimmons on the show. He's a great comic. He was a writer on Ellen DeGeneres's show. So Greg Fitzsimmons has something to do with it, too.

GM: Who's older, you or Pat?
MB: Me, by seventeen months.

GM: You worked for the phone company almost right up to the point where you got your show, right?
MB: Till eight weeks before it went on the air, yeah.

GM: That's amazing. So you could always go back there.
MB: (chuckles) Yeah. I was there for twenty years. I was doing standup at night and working at Bell during the day. Nobody in showbiz world knew that I even had a job. It was kind of interesting.

GM: How did you get the show? Did you audition? Or was it your idea for the show that got picked up?
MB: I did a golf tournament and Doug Bassett, the owner of Baton and CTV – he owned all of that, and CFTO; basically the owner of CTV – he was there. He walked up to me after and he goes, "Geez, that was really good. You ever thought of doing TV?" I go, "I really want to do a talk show." He goes, "I tell you, if we get the comedy license, I'll have Yvonne call you." So they were true to their word. Then I did the special that you talked about and it went from there. I was on the air, I guess, six months after that.

GM: That's fast.
MB: It was fast by this country's standards, yeah. Really fast.

GM: Who went into comedy first, you or Pat?
MB: My brother. He left and went to L.A. then I said I'm gonna start doing this myself. So I just started doing amateur night in '88.

GM: Did you ever do a standard act with material?
MB: Yeah, probably. I can't even remember what it was. I probably had jokes that I got up there and did. And then when I started emceeing, I just stopped doing joke jokes. I just stopped doing bits and started talking to people. And I remember thinking this is probably a good way to go for me because I feel really comfortable. And then I read an interview with David Letterman in Rolling Stone and I thought, "I knew it! This is the way to get a talk show." Letterman never headlined; he always hosted at the Comedy Store. He was always the emcee. And he said that's where he learned how to do a talk show. And I thought I gotta be on the right track here. Because I love Letterman. I love Letterman.

GM: I wonder if he ever saw your show.
MB: I used to hear rumours that he had, but I don't know if that's a fact or not. The same lady who booked his show, we used her company to book ours for about two years. I don't know if he ever saw it or not but she was a great lady. She booked all our guests. That was the best time because we either had some of his guests before he had them or after he had them. Toronto and New York aren't that far apart.

GM: Did they ever use your show as a testing ground for new guests to see how they'd do?
MB: We had a lot of comics come up from New York who wanted to try our show first. And then you'd see them a couple of weeks later on Letterman. She booked a lot of New York comics on the show. That's how I met Greg Fitzsimmons. He was on our show then two weeks later I saw him on Letterman.

GM: And you had Mitch Hedberg on.
MB: Yeah, probably one of the first TV shots he ever had, I think.

GM: And Wendy Crewson was laughing hysterically.
MB: Yeah, she was great. I think she was on seven times.

"I guess I've never lost a brain cell through drugs or booze because I never drank or anything. ... But on the down side, I'm up all night with sparks going off in my head. That makes me wish I had had a drink once in a while." – Mike Bullard

GM: You guys had a real rapport.
MB: Oh, yeah, I loved Wendy Crewson. I loved her. She was just fantastic. I used to make fun of her all the time for being the wife or the girlfriend. That was all she ever played, right? She had a great sense of humour about it.

GM: You have a great memory when you work the crowd. Was that something you had to develop or has it always been sharp?
MB: Everybody asks me that. I don't know what it is. I guess I've never lost a brain cell through drugs or booze because I never drank or anything. So I don't know if that's the reason or not. People ask me that. Funny you say that because somebody just asked me that when I was getting gas this morning. They said, "How do you remember so much stuff?" I said, "I don't know. But on the down side, I'm up all night with sparks going off in my head." That makes me wish I had had a drink once in a while.

GM: Was your comedy hero Don Rickles?
MB: When I was a kid, yeah. Don Rickles and Johnny Carson. Yeah, but I loved Don Rickles when I was a kid. I used to love Carson when he was on. Then when I was older I really loved Garry Shandling. I drove all the way to Atlantic City just to see him and came back the same night.

GM: One of my favourite shows was It's Garry Shandling's Show.
MB: That was a really, really funny show and a real tribute to Jack Benny. It reminded me of The Jack Benny Show. I loved Larry Sanders, too, but I really loved It's Garry Shandling's Show.

GM: Have you checked openmike.com lately?
MB: No, what's there?

GM: It's a Dutch site.
MB: Oh, really? Okay. That's funny. I guess they didn't hang on to it.

GM: You have a website under construction.
MB: Yeah, hopefully this guy's going to get it together soon. (laughs) But I've been remiss, too. I gotta go in and get head shots done. Because if you don't have a website, man, you're missing out on work.

GM: You and Derrick Edwards.
MB: Derrick Edwards doesn't have one?! Well, you can't be in better company.

GM: Some people are afraid you're going to pick on them. I remember that woman in the audience of your special who wouldn't say a word and it drove you nuts.
MB: Yeah, but that was on TV. They're different when you're not on TV. When you're in the clubs, everyone wants to talk to you. It's good that way. I haven't seen this club. I haven't been there. It's a new one. I heard it's beautiful.

GM: It's very nice. What can we expect from your show? An hour of you making fun of us?
MB: Sure. High energy, lots of spontaneity, and a good time had by me, too.

Ron James interview

I just noticed I have a bunch of interviews in the bank that I've never uploaded. Most of my phone interviews for the paper are transcribed and housed over at the Comedy Couch. And that's where this one will go, too. But as I get caught up, I figured I'd also run them here.

This first one is from a couple years ago with Ron James. You may notice lots of square brackets and dots. That's because my digital recorder was on the fritz and I was losing a couple seconds here and there. But not much. There's still lots here from the always spirited and interesting comic.

Ron James – February 28, 2008

"I know now for a fact that improv can't hold a candle to doing standup. It's not the same buzz, it just isn't. It feels infantile to me at times. When you see guys who do it really well, great. But improv needs a rewrite." – Ron James

Guy MacPherson: Is there a certain amount of time you like to wait before hitting a city again?
Ron James: Yeah, usually 18 months to two years. It's like sensible forestry practices, you know. You don't want to go in and clear cut. You want to leave a few trees for when you go back next time. Pardon the logging metaphor. I alway try to touch on some kind of icon for whatever region I'm playing.

GM: You're always quick with the analogy or metaphor.
RJ: That's been the boon of these tours, right? Being able to embrace the mystery of people and place clear across the big wide open and try to find my comedic mileage and what makes each region tick.

GM: You'll do the BC stuff in other regions, won't you?
RJ: Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. From time to time I'll do that. The further east you get, the less folks... Because Canada is defined by its regions, right? But there's a universality to British Columbia, of course, across the country. The Rockies, the Super Natural element. I think that's what resonated for the public with the last special. There was so much emphasis placed on recreation and nature and the ramifications of a changing planet. And BC's pretty enlightened when it comes to that. And it just so happened that that was an element of the zeitgeist that was finding its resonance for the public at that time. So it was good timing.

GM: When you say 18 months to two years, you stagger these out, obviously, so you're not just sitting at home between tours.
RJ: Oh, yeah. No, there's no such thing as sitting at home. I come into the office every day and work. I try to write my special in the summer time after I've been on tour. It's like a journalist in the field. I keep a notepad with me and I'll write new material in my tours and compile them and give it a run on its legs to see how it plays. It's all in its infant stages right then. There's a long gestation period actually for some material. And then some material literally goes right from the page to the stage. I mean this last one I did back home, that I shot in Halifax in October, because I didn't tour ahead of time, ... you open up with 68 or 72 pages in your head hoping you don't blank.

GM: I was wondering about that. A stage actor will sometimes forget a line or just blank.
RJ: Oh, Christ, yeah. But that makes it exciting, too. I like there to be an element of danger in a show so that the audience isn't quite sure where we're going yet at the same time there's a confidence that they invest in you for the entirety of the ride. But for the most part, I labour over [individual words] and things like that. I do write my material. Particularly those passages that need that rhythm. A comedian finds his style over time.

I love the way words paint that picture. I like words that trip off the tongue and tickle the ear as well as the funny bone. I like an audience to get a bit more bang for their buck than just a laugh.

GM: I guess your background in improv helps you if you ever draw a blank.
RJ: Yeah, the years at Second City I suppose gave me stage skills but I'd never be presumptuous enough to... And I know now for a fact that improv can't hold a candle to doing standup. It's not the same buzz, it just isn't. It feels infantile to me at times. When you see guys who do it really well, great. But improv needs a rewrite.

What I discovered with the tribe of standups is that everybody has had this crucible of fire by themselves and there's not a standup on his pins today who hasn't gone through the trenches of amateur night and from there playing different rooms out there by themselves. My brothers and sisters in the standup legions have my utmost respect. But the equation is refreshingly forthright. In a day when the world is increasingly complex and fractured, the equation for standup comedy is simple: get laughs or get off. Then I think you have to set your standards as to what you're getting your laughs with.

I think in deference to the old days of improv and stuff with Second City, there was always a standard there. That name was evocative of a strong tradition of quality. You always had a director telling you, "Don't put that in a scene" or "Take that out". So I was always aware of the process of editing and honing it down to the kernel of the joke. But what's refreshing about standup, which has been my meal ticket for the last 15 years almost, is you don't have to filter your comedic point of view through five other people. There's no safety net. It's just you and the audience and the primal hum. It's just you and the paying public and the visceral hit of the evening. For those 90 minutes to two hours you're on that stage, you're given the opportunity to make sense of the chaos we're all walking through. The plumber and the professor sitting side by side can be laughing at different things in the same joke. Without getting too maudlin about the reward, it's religion of the funny bone. [People come] from different walks of life and genders and money and socio-economic standing and all those things and they're all laughing. What is it about my grandmother wearing a hat that still had the fox head on it when I went to church with her in 1968? Why does that resonate for people? What do people feel about the mystery and the mythology of the country through the seasons?

These are things that are in my set and for some reason or other they resonate and it's as much of a mystery to me as anything. [As soon as] you think you've got it figured out, you're fucked. I think you always have to come to the work with a humility. And that's married to the confidence of the delivery, of course.

GM: Can you comment on the world more in standup than improv?
RJ: I suppose. Improv's great training to make you think on your feet but at the end of the day I want my work to last. There's a longevity to a joke. There's a shelf life to a certain perspective on things that will stay forever, and that's a good feeling. It's alchemy, too, isn't it? I mean, where does it come from? Where do you haul it from? You just go [to your desk in the morning] and you're contracted to write a 90-minute show that's gotta be funny. Where are you going to haul that from? And you do. It just comes from following your bliss and trying to marshal some kind of cynicism into that stew. It eventually finds its legs over time and becomes a comedic point of view, whether it's on people or place or whether it's on growing up, the future or Canadian politics or anything. But my show isn't heavy politically, I wouldn't say. I like to have a pretty eclectic buffet. I like there to be a lot of choice in there over the 90 minutes.

GM: You put in the work. You talk about going to the office every day. Are you like some people – okay, me – who sit around until the deadline nears?
RJ: Listen, man, there's lots to be said for deadlines. Holy geez! That's the whole thing, you know? If the Normandy invasion were up to me, we'd be working the kinks out of it right at the 11th hour. But yeah, there's lots to be said for deadlines. But you gotta come in every day, though. It's a job, right? You gotta do the grunt work. I mean, the performance is the boon. That's what's fun.

GM: I think some comics forget the grunt work and just want the glory.
RJ: Well, I can't speak for how other guys decide to build their material ... but I've got a responsibility. If somebody's paying 42 bucks for a ticket – and the tickets didn't start at that price; we were able to build up to that level. But if somebody's made the effort to buy my ticket and to actually leave the house when there's so much entertainment that can keep them right there in the media room, and to call some friends and maybe have a meal or something, you've got a responsibility to make sure that they leave having had an authentic experience. Because so much is driven by hype. How often have you gone to something that's been driven by hype, with certain pop culture notoriety? I want people to feel they've had a good time and heard a different perspective on things.

"I like to get that roll and pitch. I really like to take the car out on the highway for a spin." – Ron James

GM: I was talking to Irwin Barker recently.
RJ: Oh, my goodness! What a great guy. He's a warrior, man, and a really funny cat.

GM: He was talking about his writing process. He will sit down and actually research a topic and write an essay – not even funny – before he can start paring away and editing and looking for the humour.
RJ: That's really interesting. And it parallels the approach to my specials. Quest for the West was about Alberta and Saskatchewan. I spent four months researching those provinces. I had toured them so I got a feel. I felt the heartline hum of region beneath my wheels and felt that November wind come rolling over the plateau. And I was up at Fort McMurray. And the same with BC. I travelled through the Kootenays in the spring when everything was exploding in this scream of green. I was down there in funky Nelson town or Qualicum Beach, where, to the left of me, there was this ancient couple, a pair of Methuselas, sitting on a park bench necking, and I said to myself, "Geez, it's nice it still goes on but we don't have to see it." From the proletariat's perspective ... the windshield or on your feet or smelling the smells and hearing the sounds where you're travelling.

And then the next level is as you said Irwin approaches it. You write, you research, and you find the spine of the story. You can't not do enough research. The more you know, the more you have to choose from. You really need to have more on your plate than you're going to use because not all of it is going to be golden, you know? But once you're on your pins, you have to sell that baby so you better have your convictions and beliefs down pat.

GM: You're both very thorough comics. A lot of comics today have a great premise, one punchline, then they're on to something else. And you go, "Wha--? That's it?"
RJ: You have to trust your instincts in that regard. You'll have a piece and there's that little voice inside your head that's alawys saying, "No, no, no". You have to know your audience. You never want somebody walking away feeling just exactly what you said, Guy. They have to know that they got the full buffet. That's the rule.

GM: Not to stay with Irwin, but another analogy of his that I love is that when a regular person loses their keys, once they find them they stop looking. But a comic's job is to keep looking even after he's found them. Keep looking for different angles. You don't just stop after finding the first punchline.
RJ: I guess we're analytical by nature. It's chaos. Comedy comes from chaos for me. That's where I find my mileage, just hoping to get the sun in your face and the wind at your back and somewhere in this victory of baby steps, in our march through life's bright fury, we're hoping to have an easy day. We're hoping there'll be some small victories along the way. And I guess that process from A to B, for me, anyway, is where the funny lands, whether I'm over my head at Future Shop staring at a bank of television sets realizing that I've got 50 years on Planet Earth and three years of university and every frigging book in my house is for dummies. I look at big subjects and I try to put the average person's spin on it, I guess. It's just the journey of the everyman, which is the journey we're all on, just to follow our bliss and hope that you reap a few boons at the end of a working day.

But anger fuels the funny, too. You gotta be pissed off a little bit, you know?

GM: Do you have to really care about a topic or do you just have to understand that they make for good comedic subjects?
RJ: That's a great question. It's six of one, half a dozen of the other. Not everything is going to be a sermon driven by piss and vinegar. You have to have a balance of all kinds of topics in your set and some observations are just light comedic observations. I've got a bit of a rant on Afghanistan and Iraq ... and I needed to care about it, you know? So it all depends on the kind of subject that you're wrapping your head around.

GM: Have you been to Afghanistan?
RJ: No, I haven't. I have not been over that way. I did one of those tours once and we ended up at the North Pole several years ago. North Pole in November. Canadian show biz dream. But that was 15 years ago. Mostly what I've concentrated on is trying to maintain a product standard over the last 9 years touring the country in the soft seaters. I shoot for new material each time I come out. You don't find that under a rock.

GM: You also don't find too many comics who perform for as long on stage as you do. How long are you up there?
RJ: Ninety minutes to two hours. I think a hundred is fine. I had been going two when I first [started these tours] but I find the audience peaks a little bit at two hours. Plus, too, I need a pee. I'm 50, man. But I usually find that about 100 minutes is good. But I don't like to take a break. I had an opener for the first little bit when I started but then I realized that I had enough to drive the 90-minute show myself, so why not?

GM: I saw Mike Bullard last week. He does 35 minutes.
RJ: Where? At a club?

GM: Yeah.
RJ: Well, just because we're all in the same medium we don't all work in the same fashion. Just like music is different all over. There's different genres and styles and everything. I think it's the same with standup. It all boils down to what you want to get out of it. What do you want it to be? It's respect. And the audience that pays to see it deserves some, too. But that doesn't mean that you have to pander. I mean, I think you gotta strike a balance between artistic need and audience expectation. But 35 minutes, eh? Wow. To each his own.

I like to get that roll and pitch. I really like to take the car out on the highway for a spin. And plus, too, I think the audience likes to see a little bit of "best-of" stuff. And you need some time to really let the new stuff breathe, as well. And sometimes it's not quite as tight as it will be over time. It needs to find its legs. The show that I'm doing, you have to know where you're going. I like to take a compass read first before I take a tangent. Then you take a tangent off and you can always come back to your place of origin. But it's always good to know where you're going. I think most comedians have that [centre] You want to make sure what's coming next or what you're opening with or what you're closing with.

"That's why this eight-minute set on Letterman or Leno and all that stuff, Jesus, I'm not interested. If that's what it takes in order to validate me, then I'm fucked. Because it takes me that long to set up a preposition." – Ron James

GM: Oh, I don't like it when a comic takes a tangent and then forgets to come back to his original point. But you always find your way back.
RJ: The full circle. You have to do that. ... To punctuate a narrative with character stuff, too. I've been having a lot of fun with that lately, you know? So if there's any sort of tangential stuff I'll usually milk a beat a little bit like that and allow myself to go out on a thinner limb. The character stuff is fun. [It's not like I] sit down on a chair and do five minutes as a character or anything; it's just to punctuate it. I think you have to have the narratives so the audience knows what you're talking about and within that narrative it's gotta be punctuated consistently with laughs.

GM: Do you have to fight being the curmudgeon who thinks everything was better in his day? Like we all do?
RJ: A little bit. How old are you?

GM: Forty-five.
RJ: Yeah. I'm 50. I think there's a certain nostalgia among Baby Boomers, you know? But I'm trying to be aware of that. I think my 19-year-old daughter is a helluva lot more enlightened than I was at 19. She's not stumbling around a university frat house with an empty bucket of purple Jesus on her head doing hot knives. As far as I know. But I think there's a focus today that may not have existed a long time ago. Then again, Christ, you're 22 and immortal in 1980, what are you gonna do but have fun? But I try not to have that as a mandate of my set. God forbid that that's the theme that people walk away with: "He's just become a cranky old bastard."

I saw Carlin in Las Vegas about six years ago and he was fairly strident and I don't think the audience got the kind of show that they paid the 70 bucks for. But if I talk about stuff... like how I've worked since I was 12 years old. So there's always comparisons between today and yesterday, I guess. Like, I asked my kids to rake up a few leaves in the back yard when I went on tour in November and Christ, there was a pause you could march a Russian army through, you know? I said just rake up a few leaves. My reward for helping dad clean up the back yard when I was a kid was to stay an extra 45 minutes at the Halifax dump shooting rats in the head with my pellet gun.

GM: Fun.
RJ: It was good fun, man! And here I am listening to Sean Penn read Dylan's Chronicles in the truck. These are things everybody did in Wisconsin: went to the dump and shot rats. I thought, "Yeah! Alright." I can't play the guitar to save my life, but Dylan shot rats. But I guess it's the absurdity of it. I'm not trying to advocate rodent killing as a pastime for my girls, but you can't help but look there. It's the intention, right? What are you trying to say with it? What's the point? What's going to resonate for them?

GM: When we were younger and older people would say such things to us, we'd think they're just old. And I'm sure your daughters and my son will say the same thing when they're older about the younger generation.
RJ: Sure. My dad would tell me they used to get up at five o'clock to sell mackarels before he did his paper route. And you know what I used to do? I used to play a violin in front of him. I'd pretend I was playing a violin: "Oh, tell me another one." But I think that's one of the themes of the show, though: the past, the present and the future; where you're from, where you are and where you're going. That's life, though, isn't it, Guy? To put the whole picture into perspective. You have to draw from somewhere.

I think I said it to you earlier, where does the material come from? It's alchemy. You're pulling gold from straw. And all the comedians who step up on stage and deliver it, in order for it to be successful, I think there's got to be some investment of the heart line in there. At least for me that's what worked. And I find that the stuff that really does have shelf life, that really consistently has legs, is stuff that has a personal anecdote that universality of content. Political jokes are gone in six months, aren't they?

GM: Unless they get elected in.
RJ: Yeah. ... You can hang your hat on some archetypical things. I try to, anyway, with politicians. That they're the same guys in different ties. Glad-handing political opportunists with a pathological pursuit of power who as soon as they [get elected] don't give a rat's ass about the people that gave it to them in the first place. And I think it's important for a comedian not to be a member of the country club, too. I'd never want to be in a room filled with people I make fun of for a living. I think you've got to be cautious about that. I think it's our job to always be observers. You always want to be standing on the porch looking in. I don't want to be the guy inside with the alligator on my shirt, for Christ sake. I want to be with the misfaced boy and the bearded lady on the front porch.

GM: You've got to stay real.
RJ: But it's hard, though, isn't it, when we're all carrying this Sisyphean lump of fuck called the bourgeous dream? I mean, all of us are in the same game, aren't we? You want a nice south-facing window in the house or ... you want the media room. Jesus, it's not good enough to have a TV anymore, you've got the fucking media room. You've got all the accoutrements of comfort you could possibly want. [His other phone rings in the background.] I'm enjoying talking to you. The Cowichan Times can fucking relax. They're late phoning me. I'm gonna turn it off, actually.

GM: Turn it off. It's just Cowichan.
RJ: I just did an interview and they said, "What have you heard of Abbotsford?" I said, "Geez, you don't want to know."

GM: Were you Catholic? Or are you?
RJ: No, I was Anglican but I grew up with Catholics.

GM: I was wondering because when you get into one of your long, wordy passages it sounds like a priest singing.
RJ: Isn't that interesting?

GM: You know, they get on that one note.
RJ: (big laugh) They get on that one note! That's funny, man. Well, isn't that interesting. No, High Anglican. I mean, I was as close to Catholic as you could get without having any saints to pray to when I was on the high diving board at the Halifax Centennial Pool. Your Catholics could call up a host of saints, couldn't they? There was any friggin' saint for a bow-legged, luminescent 45-pound red-headed kid scared shitless at the top platform.

But my wife, I tell ya, her mother is Roman Catholic. And I'm not shittin' you, man, I lost my car keys for three friggin' days and she said, "I'll talk to Mom and she'll say a prayer to Saint Anthony." There's a fella who's not sleeping on the job, buddy. They fell on my head when I was sleeping. But they showed up! So I don't like to mess with that spookiness they got going on there.

Look, I came from a Celtic culture, right? I was raised with one television station. I don't want to go into the whole nostalgic thing and stuff, but it was a black and white TV and for the most part I was surrounded by people who would never shut up. They just talked. I mean, it wasn't a fiddle-playing kitchen but people could tell a story. Oh, jeez, they could tell a story. It was holy. And you listened. And you respected it. These things stayed with me.

I really admired Billy Crystal's standup and the way he called up that soul line of all the people he knew from that club his father ran in the '50s. Was it a club or a record store he ran or something, where all the great black musicians came and sang. ... I like Cosby's stuff. But at the same time, early Dennis Miller, too, was a real inspiration. That first album, Black & White, he did was great, before he became a avid member of the Republican party. But I saw Billy Connelly. We drove to Hamilton to see Billy Connelly in Copps Coliseum. The 65-year-old Scottish wizard went for two hours and 25 minutes without a break. And it was absolutely inspired. You know, I saw him on an HBO special when I was in Los Angeles seventeen lifetimes ago. We were down there for three years. And it was an epiphany, man. I saw this cat flying across the stage and I remember watching it going, "Jesus, this is the language of my tribe." He was talking about relatives and times. There was a texture to it, you know, Guy? There was a texture. That's why this eight-minute set on Letterman or Leno and all that stuff, Jesus, I'm not interested. If that's what it takes in order to validate me, then I'm fucked. Because it takes me that long to set up a preposition. ... I like the reverence that words allow the individual to place on time.

GM: When are you going to do a book?
RJ: Well, when I find the time, buddy. I was approached there a couple of years ago by Douglas & McIntyre in Vancouver and I sent them some stuff that I'd written on the north. My kid and I had gone kayaking into the barren lands of the Teelon Game Sanctuary a couple of summers ago. That's where the holy notes singing loud and clear because space is Canada's greatest commodity. When I find the time to sit down and ... [write about] some of the wonders that have passed in front of my windshield or some of the ground I've walked, maybe in the next few years.

GM: You could even adapt your stage material because it's all written.
RJ: Yeah, it reads. That's what people say to me all the time. Thank you. I will get around to doing that. It's just first things first, you know? I wrote a pilot this year and I'm waiting to hear if I get an order.

GM: CBC?
RJ: Yep. They've been good [to me.] The last four specials have been with them. My fifth hopefully will be on Winnipeg. I'll shoot that one next year. They're the only television network in the country that's building it from the ground up, you know? I mean, Robson Arms and Corner Gas are CTV's, both with excellent actors and I'm a big fan of Brent's work, anyway.

GM: They're the same actors.
RJ: (laughs) Yeah, they are! There's a couple of the same actors. That's funny. You know, there's more actors out there.

GM: Exactly. Is the pilot a sitcom or a one-camera thing? What is it?
RJ: You know what, Guy? I just don't want to play my hand yet until the gods smile, buddy. I hope you'll respect that.

GM: I respect that.
RJ: Thank you. I'm just so damned superstitious.

GM: I'm sure there's a saint you could pray to.
RJ: (laughs) I wish there was! Saint of pilots.

GM: How do you relax? You're so busy working all the time. Do you just sit down and veg in front of the TV?
RJ: No, I can't do that. It drives me nuts. I read a lot. And I had been running a lot. I was an avid runner and then [I had a scope of my left knee] and I've been running bone on bone for like ten years. There's no cartilege in them and the miniscus is torn so I'm gonna have to start biking. But I like to get outside. I like to fish. I'm bringing my fly-fishing rod to the interior when I'm out there in May. So hopefully I'll be able to land a speckled or two without being mauled. That's one of the things about fishing in BC, you're always doing 360s.

GM: I wouldn't go out there. Not to bring it back to Irwin again, but he said his advice to young comics would be to read more.
RJ: Read. Read, read, read. It's so true. It's so true. ... It gives it time to sink in, you know? I've just never been one to pull my act from popular culture, I guess. Maybe it wouldn't hurt, but I don't know. I just find that Canadians as a whole are a literate people. They respect the rhythm of the spoken word. I mean, you've got so much more choice. If you're just watching TV shows or just watching movies or fucking around on the internet, you're just going to the same well as everybody else. And you gotta read the right stuff, too.

GM: What's the right stuff?
RJ: I think you should have a smattering of the classics. I think you should read a lot of non-fiction. I just finished the new Thomas Homer Dixon's book The Upside of Down. That was a great read. And I read that fellow from the west coast a year ago, The Disappearing Macaw, which was great. ...

GM: Some people say they read and they just buy the tabloids at the checkout counter.
RJ: I don't want to sound like I'm a snob about it, either, because you put a Stephen King book in the truck when I'm driving it on tour and it's amazing what that fellow can do with character, you know? He's prolific. And I try to read stuff that's... I sort of topped out on the war in Iraq. I was reading a lot of stuff on that. Gee whiz, three books at 400 pages each. You know what, Guy? Apparently it's all about oil.

GM: What?!
RJ: Yeah! (laughs) Oil and power. Go figure, eh?

GM: Well, Ron, I can't hog you all to myself. Others need to talk to you.
RJ: But you get it, right?

GM: I get it.
RJ: Anyone who quotes Irwin Barker as a sage has my respect. I wish I had half his low-key energy on stage.

LCS: Grand finale

You might have noticed I'm later than usual with my blog post on the big Last Comic Standing finale. And I'll continue to be late for it because I'm not going to watch. Damn Facebook ruined it for me. I guess that's what you get for having so many Facebook friends in the comedy bizness.

Maybe if one of the other five finalists had won, I would have watched, but how can I support a show that produces such winners as Felipe Esparza and Dat Phan? Clearly, this is not a program that is made for people like me. I know, I know, comedy is subjective. I'm the first person who'll tell you that, too. But there has to be some level of craft to it, doesn't there? There are plenty of comics that aren't my particular cup o' Red Rose, but I appreciate their professional abilities.

But I can't say Esparza had a professional level of competence from what we saw on TV. Now, you may counter that we don't get an accurate reflection of their act on the old flatscreen, and again, I'm the first person to tell you that, too. But that's all we, the viewers (and presumptive voters), can go by. The winner wasn't chosen by the three very funny judges (although had they offered anything more critical or constructive beyond "hilarious" and "the crowd loved you", we maybe wouldn't have arrived at the results we arrived at); he was chosen by the public. So I saw what everyone else saw. Only I didn't see it. I saw a guy with no craft; just a goofy devil-may-care persona and some half-assed jokes. That shouldn't cut it.

And making matters worse is the perception of a fix. It doesn't help that the winner was somehow affiliated with the executive producer. If an American Idol contestant were represented somehow by Simon Cowell, would it just be tossed off as, "Oh well, he's in the music biz; they're in the music biz. Of course there are going to be connections"? Absolutely not. There should be no hint of conflict of interest.

But, you counter, the viewing audience voted on the winner, not the producers. So what difference does it make? Since all along the way we were never told the breakdown in percentages of the votes each contestant received, who's to say what the actual votes were?

This all may have been on the up-and-up, but there were too many factors to suggest otherwise. At the very least, the show didn't do all it could to be as transparent as possible: not allow contestants with connections to the producers (lord knows there are enough really funny professional comedians in North America to choose from), be explicit with the process from the beginning so we all know what will happen each week, and give us the breakdown of the votes along the way (yes, they could just make up numbers but at least it would give us some confidence that they're not just pushing through whoever they want).

The show came a long way this season. They concentrated solely on stand-up; they got some very good contestants and minimized the freak shows; they brought in three very funny judges. And then they go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like Felipe Esparza is the Last Comic Standing.

Sour grapes? Maybe, I dunno. I just think he was so far worse than the other four, and many of the others who were eliminated much earlier. Each and every week I had him at or very near the bottom. As I said in an earlier post, I look forward to seeing the LCS tour if it rolls through Vancouver because I might very well like him in person and in an extended set. But that's completely different. America wasn't judging him on a longer live set; they were judging him on what we all saw – his short TV sets.

It's great for an individual comic to win this competition, but it's not good for the franchise to advance comics that aren't deserving. If he goes on tour and brings in people based on his credit and fame, and is anything less than great, these same people are going to think either the show sucks or stand-up in general sucks. How is that helping anyone? Look at Dat Phan. If he really was America's choice, that implies he received millions of votes by people who presumably thought he was really funny on the show. How's his career doing? Is he selling out large venues? And if not, why not? Because he wasn't ready to win such a big deal.

I know my argument falls apart a bit if America's votes were legit, in which case I can just say the people are usually wrong (or I'm out of step with the voting public, which I can't deny). But until they can at least offer us some hard numbers, I can't just accept the result. I wasn't a huge fan of Mike DeStefano along the way, but that guy at least has comedy chops and would have made a fine champ. And, of course, any of the other three would have, too. I grant you that Esparza was extremely likable, but I expect more than just that from a comic.

But that's just me.

Aug. 15: Watermelon (repeat)

In this sweltering heat, I'm yearning for some watermelon. You see where this is going. This is how my brain works in 30 degree weather. Watermelon, the fruit, takes me to Watermelon, the comic/nudist/pot activist/chef. She's got her own web series now called Baking a Fool of Myself, but that wasn't even a glint in her eye when she was last on the program back on November 14, 2004. Tonight, we take a trip down memory lane with a re-airing of that episode. Join us, won't you?

Correction

At last year's Statelessness of the Industry speech at the Canadian Comedy Awards, Harry Doupe lambasted comics for their exaggerated credits. A comedian finds himself at an open mic that Robin Williams drops in at and all of a sudden, said comedian now trumpets to the world that he "opened for Robin Williams". Another funnyman gets a beautifully gift-wrapped pull-quote from a local weekly and he attributes it to the Globe & Mail. Still another gets mentioned in the Straight's Best Of Vancouver issue and all of a sudden he's been voted the "best comic in Canada".

It happens all the time. My favourite is when I read a quote I had supposedly written and raved about a comic. I asked him about it and he had no qualms telling me flat out that he made it up because I'd never written anything about him. I could do nothing but laugh. I thought it was funny.

I'm not really affected by bogus claims or quotes because most of the time I know better. I'm not going to see one and think, "Oh, this person must be good" because I generally know if they are even without the press clippings. But what about Joe Staffer at a daily paper? Comedy isn't his beat. A press package comes across his desk and it looks impressive so he runs with it. And the myth is perpetuated.

As you've seen, I've been cutting and pasting the press releases from the upcoming Global Comedy Festival. When I get those, what I'm doing is looking at the name. That's it. The rest is just PR speak.

All this to let you know I've been notified of a mistake. It's one that, on first blush, makes little difference. Gerry Dee was listed as having won "Best Comic in Canada" at the 2008 Canadian Comedy Awards, when, in fact, he won "Best Male Stand-Up". But on further thought, it's a significant difference. Out of all the comics in the country – male, female, stand-ups, improvisers, sketch performers, actors – he was not voted the best. He was voted the best of male stand-up comedians. That's still impressive, but it's not what he or his press agents claimed it to be. Does it make him less funny? No, of course not. But in the immortal words of William Shakespeare, or whoever wrote his material, to thine own self be true.

Comedy's newest whipping boy

Why the constant drama, comedy?

It seems stand-up comedy needs a whipping boy. One day it's Dane Cook, another day it's Carlos Mencia. Today (the last few weeks, anyway) it's Kyle Cease. It started with Doug Stanhope's post lambasting comedy classes in general and Cease's Stand-up Boot Camp in particular.

I have no horse in this race since I have no strong opinion on comedy classes. I tend to think you can't teach funny, but having never been to a comedy class, I don't know if that's what they're trying to do. You can't teach someone to be a good painter or jazz musician, but you can give him the tools if he has a modicum of innate talent to begin with. (And please substitute 'her' and 'she' where applicable.)

Hearing comics railing about the issue is funny. But not in a ha-ha way. It sounds, from an outsider's perspective, a bit like they want us all to know they're truly special and what they do can't possibly be taught. So don't even bother. Yes, I know, they're not really saying that, but that's part of it. They're also saying any information you can get in a class, you can get for free from your fellow comics so a class is nothing but a cash grab. So be it. But isn't any kind of class a cash grab? You can pay thousands of dollars to hear a famous screenwriter give a seminar, and lots of people do. Will any of them go on to become famous screenwriters? Maybe a tiny percentage of them, but they'd probably excel without the class, too.

People attend classes and seminars for whatever reason. Some just need a kick-start. Some use it for networking. Who knows? Who cares!

But this Boot Camp costs three thousand bucks, they scream! It's a rip-off! Hey, caveat emptor, baby. If someone's willing to pay it, it's obviously worth it to them.

Who none of the critics are slamming is Louie Anderson. I don't understand that. Why does he get a free pass? Apparently he's well respected for his years in the business even though in my opinion he has never been funny. And I can't see what 30-year advice he can give that would be relevant to today's comedy wannabes. Then again, as I say, I haven't attended the boot camp so I can't be sure.

Another free pass is given to Eddie Brill, who does these kinds of classes all over the place. Maybe the particulars are different. I did sit in on one of Eddie's classes once and it looked great. Comics would perform for each other and critique each other's act, which I think is useful. But Eddie's words of advice held more sway. Now, Eddie is a peach of a guy who everyone loves. Plus he is the gatekeeper to the Holy Grail that is the Late Show with David Letterman and comedians would no doubt be wary of biting that opportunity in the butt.

If it isn't completely obvious, let me state that I don't think Eddie Brill should be slagged for his classes, just as I don't think Kyle Cease should be. I just think comics should be consistent and honest. If it's classes they don't like, you can't pick and choose. And, not that it's relevant, but Doug Stanhope is another peach of a guy (seriously!) and one of my favourite comics on Earth.

I heard Kyle on the Comedy and Everything Else podcast. He was way more serious than he was the two times on What's So Funny? but he had a bigger point to make. He was defending himself. He found himself a pariah in the only community he's been a part of for 20 years. Still, I thought he wasn't as serious as some are saying. He made lots of jokes but in a completely dry way. I had no problem with Jimmy Dore's interviewing technique, either. Some thought he was confrontational and constantly interrupting, but I thought he was respectful and interrupted no more than he does on any other episode (which, granted, is a lot but that's part of his charm).

As I mentioned, Kyle was on our program twice. The second one is lost but one remains and you can hear it on iTunes. Or right here, if you'd rather. It's a completely different Kyle Cease than you'll hear on Comedy and Everything Else. He's animated and constantly joking. Then again, it was in 2005 and he wasn't yet the outcast he's become.

Podcast episode 198ish: Doug Stanhope & Neil Hamburger

I forgot to alert you of the fact the episode with Doug Stanhope and Neil Hamburger is available now in podcast format. They are interviews I did for print but turned out well enough to run them on air. Each one is about 30 minutes long. Not bad that I got two cult icons on one show. Print interviews don't always translate well to radio for a number of factors, not the least of which are recording quality and the types of questions I need to ask. For a feature in the paper, I need to get some basic informational stuff out of the way because editors are sticklers for detail and it's not good enough to read their Wikipedia entry. In fact, Stanhope corrected something I read on Wikipedia during the interview, and he's not the first to do so. So let that be a lesson. But I edited out the boring parts so it's all gold.

You can listen to the episode here, or go download it over at iTunes. Search for it by name under What's So Funny?:

Aug. 8: LCS comics

It may feel like autumn but it really is the dog days of summer. So we're kicking back on What's So Funny? Tonight we're going to play clips from the five finalists remaining on NBC TV's Last Comic Standing, as well as clips from the three judges. That's it. Just an hour of titters, guffaws and cackles. You'll hear from Myq Kaplan, Tommy Johnagin, Mike DeStefano, Roy Wood, Jr., Felipe Esparza, Natasha Leggero, Andy Kindler and Greg Giraldo. They pick a winner tomorrow night and after listening to these longer sets from the contestants, you'll be better prepared for the outrage when Craig Robinson announces the winner.

Last Comic Standing: Week 9 (finally)

Is it a reflection on me and my lazy habits or a reflection on the show that I find myself six days removed from the original air date and I haven’t watched the last episode yet? But let’s not play the blame game.

I thought there was a chance I wouldn’t have to write anything this week because I just sat down in front of the TV and found that my PVR mysteriously deleted the episode. (When in doubt, I always prefer to blame inanimate objects.) Thankfully (or not) modern technology is there to step up to the plate and deliver me episode 9 on-line.

Since I’m so late with this, I’ll be as brief as possible.

We ended episode 8 with my confident prediction that Jonathan Thymius would be the one comic voted off. Let’s see if I’m right.

With only five left, after one gets the boot, that leaves plenty of dead air. So to fix matters, they’ve brought in “legendary” comedian Ron White. I use the quotation marks not as a slight on White, because I think he’s great, but just because the term is over-used. He ain’t no legend. He’s just really funny. If all you know of Ron White is that he’s one of the Blue Collar comics, and thus easily pigeon-holed and dismissed, you’re in for a treat. He’s an excellent comedian.

Craig Robinson makes the big announcement right off the top. The comic leaving is none other than Jonathan Thymius. The audience lets out a collective “awww” and even though I didn’t like Thymius’s comedy, I sympathize because he seems like a good guy and funnier than his act. At least Thymius can hold his head high knowing that he was the first comic Robinson deigned to shake hands with, skin on skin, not once but twice. That’s something.

So the final five is Tommy Johnagin, Myq Kaplan, Felipe Esparza, Mike DeStefano, and Roy Wood, Jr. All straight males, 60 percent white. And while only one will be the last comic standing, all five will be on tour together for the next 297 days. And no matter what I think of them individually on the show, I’d definitely go see them live because that’s the beauty of stand-up – some acts don’t translate well to TV and you see them live and they’re great. Case in point: former LCS contestant Tammy Pescatelli. I couldn’t stand her on the show but thought she was really good live.

So they’re each going to perform one last time (I guess) and see who America loves best. First up: Roy Wood, Jr.

Not a particularly strong opening from Wood, talking about his drunk uncle telling people his nephew is going to be on the wrong NBC show, like Law & Order. But he segues nicely into his problem with white people: he can’t tell the difference between the racists and non-racists. He proposes a solution: the non-racists get a wristband or a hand stamp. Cut-away shot of judge Andy Kindler, stone-faced. Will that affect America’s voting? Then he talks about the inherent problems with being the only single guy amongst his friends. All they want to do is cheat on their spouses and they expect Roy to lie for them. He misspeaks, I think, when he says all he wants to say to them is, “Hey, man, it’s all right.” All right? Really? Not sure this is the set that’ll win America’s hearts. He’s basically saying all married guys – or at least 100 percent of his married friends – cheat. I think he could have distanced himself a little more from that notion.

The judges speak: Kindler says he’s getting better and better each week and he just loves him. Andy wishes he could think of something more incisive to say. So do I. But he ends with a great joke: “Thanks for the case of wrist bands.” Natasha Leggero loves that he’s personal and that he also has social commentary. So do I, actually. And he seems like such a nice guy, she says. Yes, he does. She tells him to stay single because he’s going to get a hot chick when he wins this contest. Not sure all the other contestants will love that comment, but she doesn’t decide who wins. Greg Giraldo said Roy had a smashing set and he’s getting better each week. I disagree. I thought he was way better last week.

My grade: B-

***

Tommy Johnagin is next up. He also starts out talking about his uncle. This one’s not drunk, he’s a redneck who stole a port-o-potty. The joke doesn’t really go anywhere but he segues into the weirdest thing he’s ever done, which was going to a gynecologist for a sports physical at the age of 13, and he found out they don’t do that there. Sound implausible? Not the way he tells it. It was a funny story and it led to another weird thing he did: while driving 70 mph, he hit a deer. At the point of impact, the girl he was with shouted, “Deer!” He couldn’t see it because there was a deer in his windshield. He’s a storyteller but not a rambling one. He punctuates almost every sentence with a joke. Pretty good set.

Robinson is shaking everyone’s hands this week. And no doubt scrubbing furiously with hand sanitizer during the commercials.

Natasha likes that he has jokes within the jokes and making the set-ups hilarious. I find Natasha’s comments the most instructive. Greg says Tommy is a great comedian. He experiences the world in a way normal people don’t. Andy thought it was his best set yet.

My grade: B+

***

Myq Kaplan’s prerecorded bit reveals that his girlfriend’s name is Myqa. He didn’t give the spelling, but that’s what I’m going with. Awesome.

He strolls to the myqrophone and just soaks in the applause. Hmm. Calculated move knowing the longer he stands there, the more people will applaud, making him look beloved? Or calculated move because he’s running out of material and is buying time? As he’s done every single time, he comments on the previous comic, showing us, I guess, that he can think on his feet. This time he also uses it to identify himself as Jewish which allows him to go into his bit on prejudice. And while in it, he references Roy Wood, Jr. gag on wristbands. He’s in the moment. He makes a good point on crazies who always see the slippery slope on the subject of gay marriage. Back when women got the right to vote, there weren’t people saying it would lead to furniture or horses being enfranchised. (For the record, Kaplan supports women voting. A funny line which got no response from the crowd.) And while trumpeting women’s rights, he simultaneously ridicules the femi-nazis who think ‘manhole’ is a sexist term since either gender can go through them. Pretending to take their side, he proposes they be called street vaginas from now on. Good set from Myqy.

Giraldo says he’s great, hilarious, his jokes are so well-written, and he’s very spontaneous. Kindler says hurray to Myq’s thought process. Leggero thinks he’s so funny. Well, her comments aren’t always that insightful.

My grade: B+

***

In Felipe Esparza’s prerecorded segment, he says he got into hardcore drugs and “gang-banging”. Oh, yes, he did. I’m going to guess he means he was in a gang, not that he was raping women with his buddies. He says when he first got the red envelope lo these many weeks ago, he was shocked. On that, we are in agreement. I was shocked, too.

He starts his set talking about his dad being a fixer-upper, throwing in the always-hilarious (i.e. hack) McGyver reference. He’d take an old TV that once had 500 channels and affix a knob from the oven to it. You kind of always have to figure out what he means because he never explains anything well in the set-up. Here is a transcription of that joke, word for word: “One time he brought a television home. I said, Look, that TV had 500 channels. When I got older, it didn’t have 500 channels. It was a knob from the oven.” It’s confusing because he started out saying his dad would bring home junk and fix it with duct tape. But in the joke, it sounds as if he brought home a new TV and only after it wore down over the years did he try to fix it. And yet that confusing story got him an applause break. Go figure. They just really want to love this guy. But his tag was funny: “My favourite channel was 300 degrees.” Then he talked about his diet growing up. His mom cooked everything with lard. He had a heart attack when he was 12 playing kickball. Not nearly as funny as the long involved, but similar, story Brent Butt tells in his stand-up act. Esparza ended it there, whereas Butt would go into way more examples, like getting a tingly arm while colouring. Then he talked of his father’s reaction to his gay brother, with the pay-off being the dad thought the Heimlich maneuver was homo-erotic. A stretch. He gets another inexplicable applause break comparing his gay brother’s good looks being able to get him any woman he wants but preferring men to having Superman’s powers but not rescuing no one. Really? That’s what it’s like? Is that so on the money it deserves applause? Am I too hard on this guy? I feel like I’m always tearing him apart but his sets just make no sense to me.

Kindler nails it. He says he loves that in the Heimlich maneuver, his dad was concerned about the gay aspect, not the incest aspect. I think we can read into Kindler’s comment that “I love” means he doesn’t love it. He’s politely making fun of the logic of the joke. But then he goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like “I have grown more in love with you each week.” He calls him the real deal and says he loves what Esparza does. Oh please, Andy. Natasha also gets a little shot in, saying he loves that he talks about his family and brings them to the theatre to start the standing ovation. Greg says Felipe is definitely his favourite Mexican Amish comedian. He also says Felipe is an original with such an original world view.

My grade: C-

***

Mike DeStefano runs out to entertain us. He’s back in full tatt mode. No talk of relatives off the top. He went to Catholic school as a kid, which is why he’s a Buddhist, he says. Good line about ugly scary religious people who tell him Jesus loves him. “Oh yeah? If Jesus loved me, I think he would have sent somebody else to tell me. You are bad advertising for Jesus. Like Mel Gibson.” He does some jokes at the expense of homeless people that are funny but I can’t wait to hear what Kindler has to say about them. He’s been on record at least a couple of times this season as finding offense in jokes even mentioning the homeless even if they’re not the butt of the jokes. And, to be fair, DeStefano makes himself the villain in these jokes. Then he talks about his uncle who told him two things: the only difference between Jews and Italians is college, and if you hit a guy with a hammer... Wait a second. What? Hit a guy with a hammer? He didn’t set up his uncle as some sort of goombah, but I guess that was the implication. The crowd loved it. Applause break. Next he gets in a good line about the inability of black rappers to shoot straight. He gives the advice, “Hold the gun straight. Focus. ... If 50 Cent had got shot by Italians, two shots, he woulda been done. Dead.” And then, after saying, “Murder works”, he ends on a bit about beating the cell phone guy with a ball peen hammer. That was a warm and fuzzy set.

Natasha loves him. Greg thought it was a great set, saying it’s so hard to be mean and tough and still so loveable. Yes, it is hard. I’m not sure DeStefano accomplished that, but I’m just one opinion. Giraldo says he was “super funny and super great”. Andy says he’s very bright but very funny. Hmm. I think DeStefano is brighter than he lets on, but it’s not the adjective that describes his comedy best. No stern lecture from Andy on joking about the homeless.

My grade: C+

***

That’s it. Next week (well, tomorrow at this point) we find out who the big winner is. This week I have them in this order:

1. Tommy Johnagin
2. Myq Kaplan
3. Roy Wood, Jr.
4. Mike DeStefano
5. Felipe Esparza

Which, as we know by now, means absolutely nothing. Say it again: absolutely nothing.

More comedy fest names

I'll try to keep a running tally here so instead of just giving you the latest names who've been announced by the Global Comedy Fest, I'll add them to the list I already posted here a couple weeks ago. The new names and shows will be in italics. Scroll down till you get to the Edge of the Fest entry to see who they've added:

Comedy Power Pack in 3D ~ September 17^th at The Vogue Theatre: The first of its kind, ‘Comedy Action Pack in 3D’ is a stand-up and comedy video show in 3D. Three of Vancouver ’s brightest new stars are teaming up for an exciting night of comedy. Reza Peyk (Iranian-Canadian), Ken Kirby - aka Gary Fong (Chinese-Canadian) and Jy Harris (Redhead-Canadian) are among Canada ’s new guard of innovative comics and will star in this first ever 3D comedy show that will feature stand-up, short film, sketch and outrageous characters.

Iliza Shlesinger ~ September 17 & 18 at Lafflines: Winner of NBC’s Last Comic Standing Season 6, Iliza Shlesinger is the first female and youngest comedian to hold the title of Last Comic Standing. In addition to performing at the coveted Just for Laughs Festival, her credits include Comedy Central Presents, Comedy Central’s Live At Gotham, Showtime’s Pauly Shore & Friends and NBC’s Last Call with Carson Daly.

Charlie Murphy ~ September 18 at The Vogue Theatre: Charlie Murphy’s rapid evolution from "Chappelle's Show" cast member to top-billed international comedian, playing to sold-out audiences around the globe, has been remarkable. He has spent the past eight years performing his critically acclaimed stand-up show and solidifying his position in Hollywood as a true acting talent, in his own right.

“Asian Connection” featuring Joe Wong ~ September 19 at Lafflines: Self-proclaimed “all American immigrant,” Joe Wong came a long way from a rosy-eyed new immigrant to a blossoming comedian. His jokes range from ethnic and personal to political and bizarre. His humour is not easily categorized, but always inspired. Joe participated in the David Letterman Showcase at the Boston Comedy Festival in 2005 and won rave reviews for his performance. In 2006 and 2007, Joe headlined numerous high-profile shows, including the Autism Speaks Show, AC/DC Benefit Show and the Ticket To Asia Show. He recently headlined The Radio & Television Correspondents' Dinner and was the highlight of the evening with his roast to President Obama and Vice President Biden.

Kyle Kinane ~ September 21 & 22 at The Comedy Mix: Kyle Kinane has performed at comedy festivals across the United States, Canada and England. A regular opener for headliners such as Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, Kinane has appeared on Last Call with Carson Daly, the BBC, and Judd Apatow’s Funny People. He was also rated #5 on Askmen.com’s top 10 list of upcoming comedians.

*Gerry Dee ~ September 23^rd at The Vogue Theatre: Gerry Dee won ‘Best Male Stand-Up ’ at the 2008 Canadian Comedy Awards and is the first Canadian in twenty-seven years to win the prestigious San Francisco International Comedy Competition. He has appeared on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing 5” and can be seen weekly on “The Score” with his humourous segment called “Gerry Dee-Sports Reporter”. (*tickets for this show will go on sale July 2^nd)

Chris Porter ~ September 23, 24, & 25 at The Comedy Mix: Best known for his third place finish on Season 4 of Last Comic Standing, Chris Porter has been a touring comic since he was 23. His raw energy and unique perspective has distinguished him as one of the elite comics in the industry. Born and raised in Kansas City, Chris brings a true stand-up experience to his live shows. There are no sound cues, no puppets, and no catch phrases - just gut wrenching laughter drawn from his own experience and observations. Chris can also be seen on his own Comedy Central Presents special and Live at Gotham.

Tom Green ~ September 24^th at The Vogue Theatre: He has graced the cover of Rolling Stone, commandeered the coveted guest-host chair on The Late Show with David Letterman, and conquered the World Wide Web with his free-wheeling, wildly popular internet talk show, "Tom Green's House Tonight." Now, Tom brings his unique brand of hilarity to the art of stand-up comedy. Experience one of the great comic minds in the field of entertainment, live and in person, when Tom Green takes the stage and provides non-stop laughter with his brilliantly cracked view of the world around him.

Edge of the Fest, September 25 at the Vogue Theatre: A comedy show made up of the edgiest comics of the 2010 Global ComedyFest Vancouver. These comics are hand-picked by the festival directors and put on stage to showcase the genius of their comedy stylings.

Last year, Edge of the Fest was hosted by George Stroumboulopoulos and featured the hilarity of Picnicface, Tig Notaro, Garfunkel & Oates and David Cross. This year, Edge of the Fest will include Jamie Kilstein, Glenn Wool and Tig Notaro, to name a few – (with more names to be announced in the upcoming weeks!).

Jamie Kilstein: Seen on the Paramount Comedy Channel in the UK, CNN, the BBC, The Comedy Channel in Australia, HBO Canada and Showtime Comedy in the Middle East, Jamie Kilstein is a brilliant satirist. He was noted in the recent bestseller Sataristas alongside Stephen Colbert, George Carlin and other iconic satirists, and was named “Critics Pick” in Time Out Chicago, Sydney and London. In 2009, Punchlines Magazine honoured him with the title of “One Comic to Watch”. Jamie also co-hosts Citizen Radio, a political-comedy radio podcast dedicated to covering stories ignored by ‘Corporate America’. Guests have included Noam Chomsky, Ralph Nader, Tariq Ali, and Janeane Garofalo.

Glenn Wool

After beginning his comedy career in his hometown of Vancouver, Glenn moved to London in 1998 and quickly became one of the rising stars of the London comedy circuit. He has been nominated for Best International Stand Up and has headlined international festivals such as the Stavinger Comedy Festival. Glenn’s 2005 live show, ‘You Don't Go To Hell For Eating Elephants’, debuted at the prestigious Melbourne Comedy Festival. In 2009, Glenn made his US television debut on Comedy Central's Live at Gotham. Recently, he was awarded the 2010 Time Out Sydney Comedy Award for Best of the Fest.

Tig Notaro

Tig Notaro is best known for her character, “Officer Tig”, on Comedy Central’s The Sarah Silverman Program. She was also a regular on ABC’s In The Motherhood with Megan Mullally and Cheryl Hines, and had a supporting role opposite Kristen Stewart in The Runaways. She has had her own Comedy Central Presents and has performed on Jimmy Kimmel Live as well as Last Call with Carson Daly.

“ComedyFest Encore Italia!” featuring Tammy Pescatelli ~ September 30, October 1 & 2 at Lafflines: Tammy Pescatelli is one of America ’s funniest and hardest working women of comedy. Beating out thousands for the enviable spot as part of the Final Five on NBC’s Last Comic Standing Season 2 catapulted Tammy’s career and solidified her as one of the sharpest women in the comedy world. She has appeared twice as a guest on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Dennis Miller and has appeared in her own half-hour special for Comedy Central. Most recently, Tammy finished #1 on Comedy Central’s 2010 Stand-Up Showdown.

August 1: A fun repeat

I'm away this week but we've got a lively show to replay. It truly is a very special encore presentation. Jessie Award-winning thespian and comedian Ryan Beil visited the studio a couple months ago and we had a grand old time. If you haven't heard it already, you can catch it again tonight. If you have heard it already, it ages like fine wine and you'll enjoy it even more and catch what you missed from laughing so hard the first time.

Or something like that.

The world famous Improv

Hollywood Blvd. is jumping on a Saturday night. Everyone's out taking photos of stars' names printed on the sidewalk (isn't that going to be an amazing slide show for their neighbours?! "Look, there's the name of John Travolta! There's the name of Red Skelton!" I could write those names down on a piece of paper and get the same effect. They're just names, people!) Traffic is backed up is backed all the way down past the Jimmy Kimmel Live studio and Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.

I hail a cab. I'm going to the world famous Improv comedy club where all the greats have played for decades. "The Improv on Melrose," I instruct my cabbie. He pauses.

"What's the cross street?"

"I don't know. It's the Improv. On Melrose? You don't know where that is?"

He asks if we can know how to use his GPS system so we type in Improv but it doesn't show up. So we hop out of the cab and ask a doorman standing by if he knows the cross street. "Fairfax," he confidently tells us. Perfect. So we hop back in the waiting cab and he takes us to Melrose and Fairfax. We're dropped off and look around. Nothing. So we start walking. Way ahead in the distance we see some green neon and what looks like a white playbill underneath, but we can't make out what it says. Still, it's all we've got. After a few blocks, we can read the sign and that's it. We finally arrive.

So much for world famous.

Over the years I've heard lots of bad things about L.A. comics but this was my first time seeing live comedy here. And I've got to say if tonight was any indication, L.A.'s got some good ones. I can't remember all the names of who I saw, but I'll start with Alex Nussbaum. Hilarious. I reviewed him at Yuk Yuk's four years ago, raving about him. And he hasn't lost a step. Still really funny. And, yes, sure, he's from Toronto, but I do believe he lives in L.A. now.

Then there was Toby Hargrave, a multiple-time guest on What's So Funny? Sure, he's a former Edmontonian who still lives in Vancouver, but he slayed 'em at the Improv just as he does all over Canada.

The headliner for the evening was Lachlan Patterson, who destroyed. It was a really strong set from Lachlan (another multiple-time guest on WSF?), who is just getting funnier and funnier. He was a celebrity there, with people coming up to tell him how great he was and to buy an autographed copy of his new CD, Jokes to Make Love To. Who knew?! The guy's going to be a star. I should have been nicer to him all these years when I was swatting away his lazy shit in basketball every Sunday night.

So I travel however many miles to La La Land to see comedy and it's old home week. Hell, even Stargate Universe's Adam Brody, as played by multiple-time WSF? guest Peter Kelamis, was in the crowd supporting his homeboys.

There were some Americans on the bill, too. I didn't catch all their names, but two of them I've seen for years and years: The Sklar Brothers. It was great seeing them live after all this time. I'm a sucker for a comedy team just because they're so rare. But I'd like them anyway.

It was a solid evening of laughs. If all L.A. comics are this good, I can't wait to see more. Just don't let them tell you the place is world famous.