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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Jay Mohr interview

Jay Mohr – May 12, 2009

"When I first got into comedy it was to get girls and get drunk. Get laid or fight. Then I got sober and I got married and I don't want to fight anybody." – Jay Mohr

Guy MacPherson: Hey, Jay.
Jay Mohr: Hi Guy.

GM: How are you?
JM: I'm great, pal. How are you?

GM: I'm great, too. Where are you right now?
JM: Driving north. We just left Los Angeles.

GM: Coming up the coast?
JM: Yes, sir.

GM: Hey, I'm reading your book and enjoying it.
JM: Oh, good. Thank you.

GM: I'm not finished. I'm just over halfway through.
JM: You know, you can always call back. When you're done, you can call back.

GM: (laughs) Thanks. Was there a fallout from it? You name names, you give your opinion and you're not shy about it. Was there any kind of fallout after it?
JM: No, in classic Saturday Night Live fashion, I was pretty much ignored. There was no fallout at all. I've seen many of the guys since and we've all just said hello and it's just the same.

GM: Maybe they didn't read it.
JM: Maybe. But no, no fallout. Well, none that I know of. There's all types of fallout. I'm sure there's many degrees of fallout that would never touch my radar. You don't even know behind the scenes if someone said, "Don't hire him because he wrote that book." Who knows?

GM: Were you expecting anything?
JM: Uh, I didn't care. Because I wasn't really telling company secrets. I was just telling you this is what happened while I was there. No one ever wrote a book about Saturday Night Live that was on Saturday Night Live. It was always journalists asking cast members what happened. So I was a little surprised that I had the opportunity to be the actual first person to write about it that was there. No one ever wrote, "This is what happens Monday, this is what happens Tuesday, etc." And then as I wrote it, it became more and more about my own panic disorder.

GM: Did that start at SNL or did you have bouts of it growing up?
JM: In hindsight I had a couple growing up, but it really hit the fan at SNL.

GM: And any since?
JM: No. We're good. We're good.

GM: When you wrote about getting the job, you said you thought they would find out you're a fraud. And I think that's a lot of people's fears when they start any new job no matter what it is. They go in thinking, "I don't know what I'm doing." Until you're around long enough to realize that nobody else knows what they're doing, either.
JM: Exactly.

GM: You've started lots of new jobs since then: movies, TV series... So now you just have a greater perspective?
JM: Well, now I always just fake it until I know what I'm doing.

GM: You've learned that.
JM: Yeah.

GM: Just a couple more questions on the book...
JM: Sure, sure. I love talking about the book.

GM: You said that the producers, or talent scouts, for SNL were so tough that Jim Carrey auditioned and he wasn't picked. And I was wondering if that's tough or are they incompetent?
JM: Oh, I don't think there's any incompetence. There's incredibly brilliant people on the show that defy the odds. I mean, guys like Fred Armisan sent in movies he'd made. He never did stand-up or anything like that. And he's one of the most fascinating cast members ever, in my opinion.

GM: I saw him at Bumbershoot before he got SNL, just doing characters. He was pretty great. So it's just more of a case of they know what they're looking for and Jim Carrey just didn't happen to fit?
JM: Maybe they just didn't need a white guy that did a Sammy Davis, Jr. impression.

GM: I love the idea of the personal monitor that Buddy Hackett told you about. What is yours at now when you're doing stand-up?
JM: Usually it's about 10 only because I get very hot on stage and I sweat a lot. And I'm thinking about, "My God, I'm sweaty." So my monitor's at about 10.

GM: You got the job when you were on the road with Anthony Clark. How soon after they told you that you got it did you actually start?
JM: Uh, three months. Maybe not even that long. Maybe two months.

GM: You talking about being at the equivalent level of an open miker when you were on Saturday Night Live because you were the guy the audience didn't know, so you constantly had to prove yourself. Has that made you more sympathetic to young comics, or people starting out?
JM: I'm sympathetic to everyone. Not just young comics. If you're good, I'll help you as much as I can. But there's a lot of bad young comics and there's a lot of good young comics. I'm in a very insulated area right now. I only work with the same three or four comics for the last four years.

GM: How do you work with them?
JM: Well, I have an opening act. If I'm on the east coast, I have a different opening act. I don't go to clubs to hang out. I'm never around a group of comics. I never go to shows just to try out new material. So I'm always around the same three comics just for familiarity's sake.

GM: How did you hook up with them?
JM: I just saw them and they were funny and I thought this is the kind of guy that makes me laugh on the ride to the show as well as makes the audience laugh on stage.

GM: So you don't go to clubs to work out new material. You work it out on the theatre stage?
JM: Well, if I think of it, I'm pretty sure it's funny. I just know it'll work. At least the idea's funny enough I can start talking about it on stage and flush it out in front of an audience. I'm not going to beat them over the heads with it for 20 minutes if it's not going my way, but if I think of an idea while I'm jogging, I'll talk to my wife about it and say, "This is funny, right? Have you noticed this?" and we'll agree. And then when I'm on stage I'll start talking about it and flush it out. Maybe two or three minutes to start or maybe it'll be going well and I'll just keep talking for 15 minutes and it'll be an actual routine.

GM: This is the confidence of having done stand-up for twenty years?
JM: Uh, yeah, twenty years. I assume it's the confidence of the longevity, but it's also the difference between the kind of comic I used to be and the kind of comic I am. Now I tell more stories that are very personal. And I do a lot of impressions and a lot of stories that have happened to me and there's no real quote-unquote "bits". I think audiences are tired of hearing about airline food and how wacky baggage claim is. Yeah, we get it. But what can you give us that's new?

GM: You started as a teenager, right?
JM: Yeah, I was 15.

GM: What do you think now when you see a teenager doing stand-up?
JM: I always go out of my way to tell them that I was 15 when I started and encourage them to [garbled] bravely.

Jay's cell phone cuts out, so I can't ask him what the word was. His publicist calls back to ask if Jay can call back at 8 that night. At 7:30, he calls. He hears my son in the background.

JM: You got kids?

GM: Yes, I have one. He's in the bath right now.
JM: How old is that guy?

GM: He's four-and-a-half.
JM: Fantastic age!

GM: It is. How many kids do you have?
JM: One.

GM: How old?
JM: He's six-and-a-half. Today was dress-up career day at kindergarten. He dressed up like a scientist. His grandfather, who's a classified rocket scientist, wears blue jeans and a t-shirt every day. But we knew that wasn't going to fly so we just put him a suit and fake glasses.

GM: (leaving the noisy room) Just trying to find a room here, sorry.
JM: Ha. It's music to my ears, are you kidding me?

GM: So you're driving up the coast?
JM: We're driving the whole thing.

GM: You don't like flying, right?
JM: No, I like flying. We just have never driven the Pacific Northwest.

GM: Who's your opener?
JM: In Vancouver it'll be Tom Segura.

GM: I don't know him.
JM: He's great. He's terrific. That's why I created Last Comic Standing because there were so many comics that are great that no one has even heard of.

GM: Was it true to your vision, that show?
JM: As much as it can be with a network attached. I wanted more stuff inside the house. I think comics hanging out together and talking nonsense is fascinating. When I left the show they went no house, straight up comedy. So it basically turned into An Evening at the Improv or Star Search. But I like the dynamic of comics in a house getting along or not getting along. I found that very interesting.

GM: My favourite season, in that regard, was the Todd Glass, Bonnie McFarlane, Kathleen Madigan one.
JM: Yeah. Exactly.

GM: Was it good for comedy?
JM: I think it was great for comedy. There was at least two dozen people you'd go see at your local comedy club that you wouldn't prior to it. You would know who Todd Glass was.

GM: Right. But then you have Dat Phan.
JM: The guy won. The guy got the most votes.

GM: Nuff said.
JM: Asians and cell phones.

GM: There you go!
JM: They were ahead of the curve, man.

GM: I wanted to ask a few more questions on your book...
JM: What's your baby's name?

GM: His name's Louis.
JM: What's your last name?

GM: MacPherson.
JM: Louis MacPherson. You live in Vancouver?

GM: Yeah.
JM: What a great place to raise a kid.

GM: There's lots of gunfire these days.
JM: At least you guys have money. That's why I'm playing Canada. I know your cheques won't bounce.

GM: I read a quote from you in Wikipedia...
JM: Well, Wikipedia says I weigh 300 pounds.

GM: What? But the quote was you said Vancouver was like Hong Kong.
JM: I was hosting a radio show and I said it. I called it Hongcouver. I said it without malice nor admiration. I said it completely matter-of-factly and everyone can run with it however they need to.

GM: So you've spent some time in Vancouver.
JM: Oh, sure. I've shot many films and stuff up there.

GM: Well, where you're playing, in Richmond, if you thought Vancouver was like Hong Kong...
JM: Richmond's like Hong Kong?

GM: That's where the bulk of the Chinese population lives.
JM: Well, those are my people. They're my demo, Guy. I'm branching out to the Chinese demo. There's just not enough Chinese people at comedy shows. So I'm doing Vancouver. Then I'm going to go to Hawaii, and then I'm gonna just make my way east. To the far east. I like that it's the Far East but to get there you fly west. It's very confusing.

GM: Yeah, that is confusing. But don't worry, the casino draws from all the regions.
JM: What's the theatre like? Is it nice?

GM: Oh, it's fantastic. It seats a thousand, I think. All the big comics play there.
JM: Russell Peters, huh?

GM: No.
JM: He's like the world's most famous comic.

GM: He's playing two nights in a row at GM Place, which is where the NHL team plays.
JM: Like, who... I'm not sure what's going on with that man.

GM: I'm not sure, either.
JM: Like, he's never been on TV.

GM: He was a club comic here for years and years. Then he just exploded. He did a special up here and someone put it on YouTube and all the Indians of the world united behind him.
JM: There's a lot of them.

GM: And he plays all over the world.
JM: He's enormous. He has like no television credits, no film credits.

GM: Yet he's always auditioning and nothing ever comes of it.
JM: But you know what? He's playing where the Canucks play and I'm sweating out a thousand-seat theatre at a casino. I'll be out on the street with a sandwich board.

GM: Your old boss is playing that arena, too. Jeff Foxworthy is there five days after you're here.
JM: That's a good man right there. That's a good man. You know, his moustache, he takes it off for bed.

GM: (laughs) Does he?!
JM: You know how old people put dentures in a glass? He puts his moustache on a napkin.

GM: He probably has it insured for a million bucks.
JM: I would hope so. He's a great guy. He really is one of the good guys.

GM: Did you see him on the roast of Larry the Cable Guy?
JM: Yeah. He was great. And he was clean. I loved Norm Macdonald on the Jeff Foxworthy roast when he did, like, super-1950s... (doing a killer impression of Norm) "So, uh, Susie Essman is here. And, uh, she says she's a vegetarian. Uh, but that's impossible 'cause she's full of baloney!"

GM: (laughs)
JM: (still as Norm) "Uh, how'd you not get that one? She's, uh, full of baloney, there." Norm's like a total favourite. There are certain things you can say as Norm around the house and if you get yourself started you won't be able to stop. Like, "male nurse". Just picture Norm in the hospital and the male nurse comes. He looks at you and goes, "Hey-hey, Guy. That guy's a... male nurse. [unitelligible] Hey, why don't you call that, uh, male nurse, see if he can get me some of that, uh, medication here. My God, that male nurse, you know?"

GM: It's that little pause before he says it. And the stress.
JM: (still as Norm) "That, uh, male nurse there came in with, uh, a bedpan!" Sausage curls are also good to say as Norm. "I saw a guy wearing, uh, sausage curls. In his hair, you know? Sausage curls, you know?"

GM: Did you see him on Letterman the other night?
JM: No, how'd he do?

GM: Great. Hilarious.
JM: Stand-up or panel?

GM: Panel. He was doing a bit of his stand-up there, though. I saw him last time he was here. At the theatre you're playing, by the way.
JM: How was he?

GM: He was hilarious. Really great.
JM: And he was together and he was with-it.

GM: Yup. He did a good long set. He was coherent.
JM: Did he say "wiener dogs"? He likes to say that a lot.

GMGM: I don't remember that.
JM: (as Norm) "Hey, uh, one of those, uh, wiener dogs, you know? Yeah, wiener dogs. I saw, uh, a male nurse with, uh, one of those, uh, wiener dogs. And the wiener dog had sausage curls."

GM: Were you the first guy to do Christopher Walken?
JM: I saw a guy named Roger Kabler do it at a club and I didn't know it could be done. But I drove home doing it. But I don't like to do impressions of people and do... It's important to me, actually, when I do impressions of people, to make sure I'm not just doing lines from movies. I think that's kind of cheating.

GM: So how do you do it?
JM: Well, I have actually stories that have happened to me. Like, when Christopher Walken met me, I was walking my Rottweiler and he wanted to know why she didn't have a tail. And he kept asking me, "What happened to your dog's tail? Where did it go?" (as Walken) "Where did it go? Your dog's tail? Your dog has no tail. It's crazy." I do a better impression when I'm laying down and it's very quiet in the room. Once my wife came in from the other room and said, "What are you doing? Why are you standing up and acting like Christopher Walken?"... Uh, so there's that. I have an Al Pacino story, I have a Tracy Morgan story, I have a Norm Macdonald/Adam Sandler story. I have a lot of good stories to go with these impressions. I'm very fortunate to have worked with some very strange people.

GM: In the book you said you did an impression of Rickles. I've heard Rich Little do an impression of Rickles, but no one else.
JM: (as Rickles) (chuckles) "Well, that's good. Ha. But you know, gang!" I did Rickles on SNL and no one recognized me. It was like my fourth week on the show and Adam Sandler was doing Richard Lewis. Poorly. And getting, like, giant applause breaks because everybody knew who he was. I think I write in the book that's when I realized the weapon of familiarity. Being armed with that must be amazing on a show like that. I never had it. Where they know it's you under the makeup.

GM: You have it now, though.
JM: Well, yeah, but I don't think I'm going to be wearing a bald cap anytime soon.

GM: And Rickles also plays the River Rock once a year.
JM: (as Rickles) "We need the Mexicans. Why? Why do we need the Mexicans? Anyway, but you know, gang. Take it easy, lady, or the fat Mexican's going to lay on you."

GM: And it's great when he plays here because we have no Mexicans yet he still talks about them.
JM: And everything by rote. (as Rickles) "But you know, gang. Look at all the Chinese people. I'm glad I killed your uncle."

GM: You do tons of acting. Is it fun or just a lucrative job?
JM: Oh, acting's the best. You get to play make-believe, like when you were a kid.

"I was doing a show once and a guy said he was in the Canadian army during World War II and I made some joke like, 'Well, thanks for helping out.' And the guy said, 'You might want to check your history books, young man.' And then that night I went and I actually checked my history book. The Canadians were completely deserted and left alone with no support, and they just went, 'You know what? Screw it.' And they just took it by themselves and just kicked German ass. And then I was like, I wish I could do that show over again and say, 'Hey, great job!'" – Jay Mohr

GM: I always refer back to this, but it applies. I interviewed Bob Newhart years ago and he said if you have the ability to do stand-up, then you have the obligation to do it, because not many people can do it.
JM: He said headlining stand-up comics are the second-rarest club behind living American presidents. He said it in his book, I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This. You know that joke that the quote is based on?

GM: Yes, but remind me.
JM: A guy's having sex with a prostitute and she says, "Kiss me." He says, "Kiss you? I shouldn't even be doing this!"

GM: (laughs) Yes!
JM: Uh, yeah, I think there's an obligation to do it. I think people need to laugh. I've been told since I was a kid laughter's the best medicine, so why not go out into the world and play doctor?

GM: (chuckles) That's what you tell your wife, anyway. You wouldn't ever have to make a choice between the two, acting or stand-up.
JM: Well, I don't have to do it at all now. Like, I don't ever have to do another stand-up comedy show again. It's all just because I love it and I have entirely new sets and an entirely new act. When I first got into comedy it was to get girls and get drunk. Get laid or fight. Then I got sober and I got married and I don't want to fight anybody. So that act had to go away and I had to talk about me.

GM: Your acting helps draw fans to your stand-up.
JM: In theory, but then again Russell Peters outdraws me. If that guy ever gets on a sitcom, he'll have to play hemispheres.

GM: Whole countries.
JM: (laughs) "I'm playing Cuba, May 5th. Come check me out."

GM: In your blog you were talking about the melding of your two fan bases: from TV and from stand-up or radio.
JM: Sports radio, Jim Rome.

GM: Right. And there's always this disconnect. Like, people go see Tracy Morgan because they like him on TV and then they're just shocked.
JM: Boy, are they in for a surprise. "This isn't funny at all!" Everyone that comes to my show from Ghost Whisperer or Gary Unmarried, they should know that I do have a potty mouth. There's nothing gratuitously filthy but I do curse when I speak normally.

GM: But you're not like Tracy Morgan.
JM: No, there's nothing about sex at all.

GM: So other than the swearing, how is your stand-up different from your character on, say, Gary Unmarried?
JM: The persona is what's on TV. Stand-up is no persona.

GM: But there is a little bit, isn't there?
JM: No, that's what's different about it, is there is no persona. (asks his wife) Do I have a persona on stage? (she replies; he relates) I'm just far more energetic, my wife said. It's just me but more energy. It's me but as if I'm putting on a show of me. With a microphone. And lights. No, the persona is just the character you play on TV. But that's what I was trying to explain earlier before we kept getting cut out – sorry about that – is that there is no act; it's just telling stories about my wife and I taking my son to swim lessons, or stories about what Al Pacino said to me when I wanted to throw a rock at a bird, stories about Vancouver, stories about the last time I was in Vancouver, stories about my drive up here. There's really no persona and I think that's why it's working. And I think that's where comedy needs to go because audiences are really tired of bits. They know you're putting them on. They know there's a rhythm to it and they know when they're supposed to laugh. They know the rhythm of an act. Kathy Griffin was onto something, like, eight years ago or six years ago. She started telling stories.

GM: About her brushes with celebrities.
JM: That's her niche, being catty about celebrities, but everything she was saying was like what happened to her. And it was, for a while, fascinating.

GM: I read an interview the other day with Dana Gould saying that when they started the alternative scene that they decided they were just going to do personal stuff. They have to talk about what's happened to them.
JM: They still do that. I just did an Un-Cabaret show in Manhattan with Doug Benson. I don't know if I can talk about this proper for a newspaper. His show is called Doug Interrupted. He sits in the audience and has a live mic while you're on stage. Well, it's not really a stage; it's more of a theatre space. But he just will interrupt your story and ask you questions as you go.

GM: That's a great idea.
JM: Fascinating.

GM: Does it work out well, though?
JM: Oh, it's great. I went up and I talked about how I was gay once when I was six. Me and this other kid. But the other kid was seven. He should have known better. And I explained the entire summer of love.

GM: Do you ever see that guy now?
JM: He's the chief of police in New Jersey. I drive as fast as I want to in New Jersey.

GM: Yeah, I bet you do. Hey, what does Danny Gans mean to your show?
JM: Nothing... My stand-up show?

GM: No, to Gary Unmarried?
JM: No, we just wanted a joke about an entertainer. Like, Siegfried & Roy was kinda played out. Who hasn't heard that a billion times? So we just went with Danny Gans and then he died, like, two days before the show. Very inconsiderate.

GM: Very.
JM: I mean, get a Diet Coke, jog.

GM: We don't know what he died of yet, though.
JM: No one knows what he died of! But you might want to check those albino tigers.

GM: Did you ever see his act?
JM: No. Do you know anyone that has?

GM: No, I just saw him on-line. I had never heard of him.
JM: Is he just all impressions?

GM: Yeah, and really not very good.
JM: (big laugh) (to his wife) I go, "Just impressions?" and he goes, "Yeah, and really not very good." (she says "Fantastic!")

GM: I hate to speak ill of the dead.
JM: We have an actress friend that said he was amazing. Laurie Metcalf. You saw him on YouTube. Maybe you saw him when he hates his life and can't believe he's still doing this fucking impression. Maybe she saw him before when he was just Danny Gans. Before he was Danny Gans!, entertainer of the year 35 years in a row, the most famous man in the 702 area code. Fifteen miles to the left or to the right, never heard of ya.

GM: He looked good, though, for his age.
JM: Now he looks great for his age.

GM: Ouch.
JM: Now he's doing a different impression. My wife said he's not even really dead. He's better than we even thought.

GM: You're a big sports guy. What's your sport?
JM: I love baseball. I love the Dodgers. I love football. And I love the fights: boxing and mixed martial arts.

GM: Did you see that armless and legless guy fighting?
JM: No. I've heard about it, though. Was he on all fours? Just headbutts.

GM: Yeah, kind of.
JM: So how does he beat you?

GM: I just saw one round. He was quick. Just darts in and out. Like a little pitt bull. His opponent would just bend over and try to take a swing at him.
JM: Wait, so he had no legs and no arms?

GM: Yeah.
JM: But he had nubs or stubs or something.

GMGM: Yeah.
JM: So he was, like, sawed off at the knee?

GM: No. Even higher up than that. And like right at the shoulder, too, or just below it.
JM: Wow, so then how could he possibly beat anyone?

GM: I don't know.
JM: But you watched it, you said.

GM: I just saw one round on YouTube. And it wasn't the final round.
JM: But did you watch him, like, strike the person?

GM: No, he would just charge in head-first then back away. And his opponent didn't really know what to do.
JM: But the guy can kick him whenever he wants, right?

GM: He's allowed to, sure, but he probably felt like it was a no-win situation. He beats the guy and he's beaten an armless and legless guy; he loses and he's lost to an armless and legless guy. Do you watch basketball as well?
JM: Oh yeah. I watch the playoffs but it's hard to watch the regular season because it's the only sport where the referees truly determine the outcome of each game. And I say that across the board. I don't have any particular bad stories about what team I like. But it's just absurd. I mean, it's truly absurd. There's a foul on every possession. With Shaquille O'Neal, when he gets the ball, it's hack-a-Shaq, right? That's a league-sanctioned flagrant foul. It should be two shots and the ball. You fouled him on purpose. That's the definition of a flagrant foul. You fouled the person with no intent of blocking the ball. So you intentionally fouled someone, so every time Shaq got fouled, they should have gotten the ball back after his free throws. It's terrible.

GM: Are you up on hockey?
JM: Uh, no. Did the Canucks just get eliminated?

GM: Yeah.
JM: Fuckers. I was hoping I was coming up to Vancouver and crescendoing at the same time as the Canucks making a big push.

GM: You're lucky because it means they won't be playing so there's no competition.
JM: I don't care! Are the Sedins back in Sweden? Or are they hanging out in Vancouver?

GM: They just got eliminated so they're probably still here.
JM: Well, anybody that is a Vancouver Canuck can get into my show for regular price. I give you my word on that. If they buy a ticket, they can come see my show.

GM: You guest host for Jim Rome. Do you do a Jim Rome impression?
JM: Not really. I mean, I could, but it's kinda like biting the hand that feeds you. Not in my act, no. But when I host the show, my speech affectation is his. Because I listen to the show so much. That's not really how I would personally talk hosting a show, but I think he influenced me a lot in my formative years, so I talk a little like him when I host.

GM: In your book, you said Lorne Michaels asked you not to laugh through a Chris Farley sketch. I was thinking how lax he became with that with the Jimmy Fallon era.
JM: I wonder that all the time, how he became lax with that. Because the red light on the camera would go on and they would just burst out laughing. Like, they made Harvey Korman look like Keely Smith.

GM: And laughing at their own jokes, not just other people making them laugh.
JM: Nothing on my Keely Smith reference?

GM: I love Keely Smith!
JM: Me, too. But you'll never catch her laughing. Yeah, I don't know what those guys' problems were. I just know that I haven't really seen either one of them since.

GM: No? You're not going to be on the Jimmy Fallon show?
JM: I, uh... I have no comment on that.

GM: (chuckles)
JM: Have you seen it?

GM: It's horrible.
JM: Would you go on it?

GM: Well, I might because I don't have options.
JM: Whew!

GM: It was awful early on, so I gave it more chances later on, but it was even worse, if that's possible.
JM: What are the ratings on that?

GM: I don't know.
JM: Is your kid still in the tub? You might want to check on him.

GM: My wife handled that.
JM: (laughs)

GM: I'll let you go. Thanks so much for calling back.
JM: That was just like we were talking. I didn't even know you were interviewing me.

GM: Oh, you want to start the interview now?
JM: Sure! No, I'm excited about getting up there. I'm really, really excited. I've always loved Vancouver. It's one of the most beautiful American cities.

GM: That'll endear yourself to us.
JM: I did say I have to go up there because your cheques won't bounce. Who knew that Canada would do such wonders for American property value? Thank God you guys are in the neighbourhood. (laughs) Because if it were just the dollar and the peso, we'd all be SOL. Thank God the Canadian dollar is kicking some ass.

GM: We're your responsible younger brother.
JM: Yeah. You guys are fantastic. I was doing a show once and a guy said he was in the Canadian army during World War II and I made some joke like, "Well, thanks for helping out." This is in Orlando, Florida. And the guy said, "You might want to check your history books, young man." And then that night I went and I actually checked my history book. I don't know which beach it was, if it was Gold, Juno, Silver Sword, but one of the beaches the Canadians were completely deserted and left alone with no support, and they just went, "You know what? Screw it." And they just took it by themselves. Where everyone else had, like, 5000 men per beach, the Canadians had just 2000 and just kicked German ass. And then I was like, I wish I could do that show over again and say, "Hey, great job!" Here's my chance now.

GM: And we're considered heroes in the Netherlands because Canada liberated it.
JM: You have a very underrated military and very underrated police force. So I can go up and talk about that and talk about my love of hockey.

GM: You don't need to cater to us.
JM: (laughs) You said that so politely but yet hoping I would really get the message at the same time! (laughs) (deadpan) "You really don't need to cater to us."

GM: That's what we do best.
JM: All right, brother. Thank you for taking my call and tell your son not too much TV.

GM: He's got to go to bed.
JM: That's right. It's bedtime, man. What time does he go to bed?

GM: Eight.
JM: That's good. And next year you'll put him down earlier.

GM: Oh, is that how it works?
JM: Well, because they just keep getting up so early. My son gets up at five. And my wife actually gets up with him. And then they come and get me up at seven. If my son taps me on the shoulder at 6:50, I'm going, "Wo-wo-woah! I got ten minutes!" That's the problem with kids, they're all morning people. Where's the kid that gets up at nine and says, "Columbo with Johnny Cash was on last night right as I was drifting off. You have to watch it. Where's the coffee?" (switches to Norm Macdonald) "Hey, uh, male nurse." Thank you, Guy.

GM: Wiener dog!
JM: "Yeah, a wiener dog and a male nurse, you know?"

GM: Thanks, Jay.
JM: Hey, are you coming to my show?

GM: I am, yes.
JM: Bring pictures of that boy, okay?

GM: Okay.
JM: Thanks, brother. God bless you.

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